7-17-06

I’m really mad today. I feel like for the first time the entire year i did better than everyone else in class but because i don’t get called on for the first things i don’t get credit for any of it. i am also really pissed that i couldn’t write or read the kanji fast enough. the thing is that, i know how to fucking read the kanji i just can’t write that fast enough in hiragana, next time a test like that comes around ill just write the equivalents down in english first, that way i might have a chance to at least get partial credit rather than none at all. that’s what really makes me mad, the teachers think that i’m stupid. the thing is that my classmates have been especially hard on me the last couple of days for fucking up in class and its making me really mad so i try alot harder so they fuck up, i want them to fuck up im tired of being the joke ALL the time. That’s another thing, my teachers and classmates probably think i don’t know shit about japanase, when the reality is i’m just too lazy when it comes to paying attention and pronounciation and things like that, i don’t think it’s interesting i don’t care, even though now i do since i’ve started being called an idiot.

i’m also sooo frustrated how ai teaches the class. she talks to all of us like we’re retarded i think, and when we try to tell jokes or something like that she doesn’t get it. it’s also so frustrating to see a teacher you like everyday and know you can’t have them, i’ve never experienced such a frustration ever, it’s like a teasing taunting that i just can’t get rid of, and if i start thinking i have a chance with her the daydreaming stops when i realize that she thinks of me an idiot. ahhhh!! i just want to yell not fair.

all what im really trying to say is:

everything would be better if i got another start at this summer, but i don’t and now it’s pretty fucked up right now and it’s going to take everything to make it the way it should be, including no more laughs and jokes.