A Japanese and Chinese Major

Archive for July, 2006

well, class is getting a bit easier this last week, even though i had some trouble on transitive and intransitive verbs. so right now i think its just around 40 days until i leave, and i really can’t believe it. My biggest regret is that i should have taken another year of the language, but because i’m going to be a senior my last year i technically couldn’t because i believe that you are unable to your last year of college. what’s more, i’m really scared that college is almost over with, i still don’t know very much in my field, and so what the hell am i gonna do? it’s all fun and games while you’re learning and in school and the illusion of available jobs is there fed to you by your friends and teachers, but in reality when you ask someone what they’re gonna do with their degree they say that their gonna go back to school for a couple more years or that they don’t know, that really sucks. i’m going to be the one that sticks with their degree and uses it after college though, i think there’s plenty of money to be made by it even if there is little need for it.

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i kinda yelled in class today, and it wouldn’t have been so bad except that i said the wrong thing. i said ‘donna’ instead of ‘sonna’. i keep forgetting that donna is a question of what kind, not meaning ‘these kinds’…for some reason i seem to forget that.

what i really need to keep in mind though however is that japanese is a real living language. i have to keep in mind that when you say these things, there not random noises but they convey meaning behind them and people only believe what you say.

i think alot of the times i just say things really fast or not even care what i say as long as it is structurally and grammatically correct. Now that i’ve learn alot, it’s time for me to really not just analyze the words involved but actually remember that the words convey meaning and i must not randomly say words to sound like i understand it or to prove that i understand it. it’s this that gets me in trouble.

I want to know another thing: how come i can’t get it right the first time? why is it that i can’t get it right the first time, i never get it right the first time…. is it because i get to eager when they call on me? is it because i think too much about how i look rather than making the sentence correct grammatically and content wise? everytime i say something and they point one of my mistakes out, i automatically correct it without question, but why can’t i notice them at first try?

i think that i should just really analyze my sentence before saying it, and instead of trying to think of what they think of me. another thing- i really hate taking long to answer questions, i always feel like i take too much time.

but from now on, my new goal now and self mind is to relax, and just re-analyze what i want to say before i say it, if i were to take the time to analyze what i was going to say instead of thinking about how i look answering it, id do much better evertyime. more so, how do the others do so well? i think my problem is is that i try to make my own answers, and own statements, that is why i come so off the wall from everyone else, if i stick to the book’s rhetoric, saying only what’s expressed in the book, i’ll do fine.

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I’m really mad today. I feel like for the first time the entire year i did better than everyone else in class but because i don’t get called on for the first things i don’t get credit for any of it. i am also really pissed that i couldn’t write or read the kanji fast enough. the thing is that, i know how to fucking read the kanji i just can’t write that fast enough in hiragana, next time a test like that comes around ill just write the equivalents down in english first, that way i might have a chance to at least get partial credit rather than none at all. that’s what really makes me mad, the teachers think that i’m stupid. the thing is that my classmates have been especially hard on me the last couple of days for fucking up in class and its making me really mad so i try alot harder so they fuck up, i want them to fuck up im tired of being the joke ALL the time. That’s another thing, my teachers and classmates probably think i don’t know shit about japanase, when the reality is i’m just too lazy when it comes to paying attention and pronounciation and things like that, i don’t think it’s interesting i don’t care, even though now i do since i’ve started being called an idiot.

i’m also sooo frustrated how ai teaches the class. she talks to all of us like we’re retarded i think, and when we try to tell jokes or something like that she doesn’t get it. it’s also so frustrating to see a teacher you like everyday and know you can’t have them, i’ve never experienced such a frustration ever, it’s like a teasing taunting that i just can’t get rid of, and if i start thinking i have a chance with her the daydreaming stops when i realize that she thinks of me an idiot. ahhhh!! i just want to yell not fair.

all what im really trying to say is:

everything would be better if i got another start at this summer, but i don’t and now it’s pretty fucked up right now and it’s going to take everything to make it the way it should be, including no more laughs and jokes.

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speac is so unfair. I keep getting 2.5s no matter how well I perform, i’m afraid. It really discourages me, and makes me want to not even try. 2.5 is a 62.5% which is terrible. The fact is that there is no way i am doing nearly that bad in class, and because i started out with it they will forever label me a 2.5 student. I just got my hair cut so i look a bit different, maybe that will be difference enough for them to re-judge the performance since i will look different they will be easier to notice more differences as well. actually that might work i think, it will be a nice hypothesis and i can prove it’s true by having this entry state it so there.

man that pisses me off sooo much, i should be getting way better grades than what i’m getting for what i’m doing. i’m scoring the lowest grades on tests and what not as well, i think i’ll be changing that from now on, fuck that. you know sometimes i feel like it’s ok to screw up since they’re not expecting much from me, i have to lose that attitude.

And another thing, i don’t think before i say things. i need to state things that are out of place and what i don’t feel as right even though i want to say something else. from now on i must answer the “stupid” way or the copied way, and not try to deviate from everyone else.

thing is too for some reason i am mad at miller. i think he think’s im an idiot, and its getting me really stressed. i think it’s because since i’ve been doing bad on his tests lately, even though i have no real proof to say he thinks that way that’s just what i think in turn im stressed like a son of a bitch.

i skipped a whole part in the interview today, something about asking when a time is good. The thing is that the cc we were supposed to use and study for for phone conversations i didn’t use and i totally used a different one.

Here is another one of my problems: sometimes i don’t try or think at all and guess without looking just because it’s faster and easier to do that with the teacher correcting me afterwards. this is not the right way. since they grade on correctness, i get fucked everytime. From now on i have to stop being lazy and stop trying to be funny and answer the right way.

That is another thing, ai has no sense of humour! when i try to make a joke or be funny she doesn’t think im trying to be clever but she just thinks im being wrong or out of touch. i guess i have to quit with that as well, because now that i look back on it she once never laughed or found any of my jokes amusing at all.

That really pisses me off to because it makes class not fun, and for her not to be cool to be like that really frustrates me because i know shes a really smart person but i guess it shows like shes out of touch sometimes which makes me both mad and sad, yeah frustrated.

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speac sucks, i’m doing bad. i would totally enjoy it if not for the bad grades. it’s frustrating to understand everything of what’s going on but still get bad grades. last year, i didn’t have to worry about my grades and i could just enjoy talking and having fun in class. But now that the teachers are really giving me bad grades, it really stresses me out and makes me perform even worse and makes me really depressed, which doesn’t help at all. i’m going to tell ai that tomorrow that.

my gpa right now and major gpa is getting slaughtered, and it seems that none of the teachers care.

They don’t really think I study or that i’m good in japanese. The truth is, i only get about 3 or 4 hours of sleep every night and that i am good at japanese its only that they only call one me once every class, and if i don’t get that one chance right i get a 2.5 so i get really nervous and fuck up.

I also like changing the answer and going off to something else, it’s because i don’t like copying and repeating what everyone else does, because, if i know that’s right, why should i repeat it? i want to try something else and see if that’s right too. But unfortuenetly i do do that, and they don’t want me to, and so i get it “wrong”.

it’s really unfair. i hate having to do all this, like go talk to the teachers about it. Like i think also i don’t laugh alot when they tell jokes in class even though the rest of the class cracks up, i don’t really find it that funny so i don’t laugh but i think becuase i don’t laugh the teachers think i don’t understand.

what i’m really trying to say is that im stuck in a really really bad situation on a freak incident by not studying enough the first couple of days, and NOT KNOWING THE FUCKING WORD FOR YAKUSOKU. that’s another thing, i did really bad the beginning of this year too because i didn’t study that much the end of last year because i was busy with my others classes.

again

right now i’m really really sad and i don’t think they’re gonna give me good grades no matter how well I do. do you think that’s right?

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Well alot of things have happened that I haven’t kept up on. Last night we had our speac dinner at akai hana, i invited sakiko and ended up introducing her to my teacher who had the cutest look on her face while doing so… after that my roommate invited me to drink bubble tea down at the room next door and all the japanese and chinese teachers were there.

speac is hard, it caught me off by surprise. i didn’t study well enough this second week and got my ass kicked, on top of that, we all got our ass kicked when we had noda teach our class, doing the phone conversations. So now i’m not allowed to look at my forum, or facebook, or any other websites after i get home from school. Actually, for the past couple days i’ve just been passing out and waking up and then studying around 9, i hate that.

oh man japan is so close, and still i nearly do not know how to say anything or understand anything! i want to do my own studying but i’m not sure what i should study since i might end up wasting my time studying something i’m going to learn anyways. I should study vocabulary, but what vocabulary, animals, eating utensils? there’s so many what would be the best?

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